Untying the Binds that Define Us
Life has a way of nudging us towards discovering who we truly are.
For so long, I thought that my self-identity was directly linked to the titles that I was given at birth, gathered and tucked neatly along the way from childhood into adulthood, or were earned through what felt like blood, sweat, and tears. I believed they defined me. I assigned them meaning because my community or society did so, causing me to subconsciously adopt these beliefs. Accomplishments such as a graduate degree, motherhood, or homeownership created the illusion that I had value. I believed they gave me worth, status, and even privileges at times. Sometimes they spoke louder than my actual voice and allowed me into spaces and circles that I believed welcomed me because of it.
During the past few years, I’ve had the experience of learning what it means firsthand to stand independent of my titles. Life has given me gifts in the lessons of physically releasing or becoming unattached to identities that I never would have dreamed I would be without. Full transparency— the uncertainty and vulnerability have been challenging to say the least. These circumstances caused me to not only witness my attachments, but also question why I was attached to them. It made me wonder about how values affected the way that I perceived myself and treated myself in return. These situations removed the veil so that I could stand unmasked in front of the mirror and in front of others stripped of the titles and status to behold my true identity.
Thinking about this topic makes India Arie’s song entitled “I Am Not My Hair” play in my head. I have respected her artistry for quite some time, but this particular song hits differently these days. I have learned that, at my core and essence, who I am has absolutely nothing to do with titles, but rather it’s my personality, gifts, tendencies, likes/dislikes, and spiritual connection that create my identity. I’ve learned so much about myself, including that I possess a lot of feminine energy like intuition, creativity, self-expression, and beauty, so organization is necessary. I've learned that I have a difficult time watching others struggle and will offer help even when it is not in either person's best interest, so I am now mindful of how I now navigate relationships. I know that watching action or violent movies at night gives me creepy nightmares. I've learned that I really don’t like the taste of white wine, but I enjoy eating spicy tomato-based dishes at charming restaurants. Traveling, dancing with my daughter, and going to concerts to sing along so loudly that I am hoarse the next day are so much fun for me. I’ve learned that I can stay in my head with thoughts and have to remind myself to align spiritually by tapping into my heart and listening quietly to find my answers. These are the things that make me uniquely me.
Now it’s your turn. What are the things that make you one of a kind? What lights you up? What makes you cry? What are your gifts and talents? What inspires you to action? What is your definition of love?
Understanding who we truly are allows us the opportunities to:
Meet our own needs and desires
Establish authentic relationships based on truth and unconditional love
Create lives that fulfill us
Although some of us may experience situations and circumstances — sudden unemployment, dissolution of a marriage, or the loss of a loved one — that challenge our self-beliefs, we can also be intentional about exploring and uncovering our truest self-identities. I've considered a few ways that we can continue the journey to define ourselves with clarity and intention. Here are some suggestions:
Date yourself. Look for something that you can do alone. For example, if you choose a movie, pay close attention to your choices and challenge yourself by asking the following questions. What kind of movie do I like to watch? Do I like to go to the movies early or late? Where do I like to sit in the theater? Do I like eating snacks during the film or waiting until after the movie is over to eat a full meal? Do I like to read the credits at the end or not? Asking questions such as these helps us to know ourselves better so that we can honor ourselves by doing the things we like instead of thinking and acting on autopilot.
Slay for the Day. Designate time to style yourself for the day. What kind of aesthetic do you prefer? What types of fabric feels best against your skin? What colors are you drawn to wear? Do you prefer a relaxed or tight fit? Do you enjoy wearing kicks or more formal footwear? Accessories or nah?
Write yourself a letter. Share all the aspects of yourself that you notice, even those that you are least proud of, in the letter. Be sure not to include anything related to your title or status. For example, one line could state “I know that you are ready to escape when a person or situation triggers you” or “I know that you really love to connect with people who have a great sense of humor”. The point is that you are taking time to notice all the ingredients that make you unique—some sweet, others spicy — yet learning to embrace them all as a radical act of full acceptance and self-love.
The more that we know about ourselves, the better we can experience our lives. Our connections to others can be stronger and build on truth and unconditional love. We learn how to manage potentially stressful situations because we are already aware that honoring our boundaries will be required. Those who choose to love us will know how to treat us because we have the guidelines and blueprints for them to follow. Most importantly, defining ourselves independent of superficial factors, allows us to experience love as was intended in its purest and most organic form — that which is all-encompassing and radically unconditional.
I hope this post resonates with you. If so, please share this post with someone you love, care about, or think could benefit from reading it. I also welcome you to drop comments below so that we can all learn and grow as a community.
If you would like additional support via my 3-month coaching services, consider this your personal invitation to email me for details at coaching@tiararuffin.com.
Sending you love and light always.🩷✨